Love: A Seemingly Impossible Quest

Love.

It is defined in by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as follows: “a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person, and can also include attraction of a sexual desire.”

Of the nine or ten relationships I have had so far in my 25 years of life, I’m don’t think I have ever felt a “real” love in any of them. I say this because the first boy (we’ll call him Jaren) I ever fell in love with (although, he only wanted to remain friends, so nothing came of it) was back in my sophomore year of high school and I have never felt the way I felt for him when I was around those other eight guys. I can’t explain it really, but I know it was love. One-sided, perhaps, but it was the first time I felt “actual” love for someone who was not in my family.

To be honest, I have to admit that my love for Jaren continued for some time. As he is my best friend, after all, we talk on a constant and daily basis, so I was always around him. He always helped me to become better. He corrected me in things I was wrong about or was not as informed, quiet yet outgoing, and a definite perfectionist. I think I finally got over him when I brought it up again about a year ago that I still felt the same way about him. This time, he gave me reasons why he felt the way he did about me and the thought of us. It’s not that he dislikes me, but that he doesn’t think we’d make a good couple. To quote: “We like to argue too much”, haha!

There was a time when I went away to work at Disney through their College Program, that I was worried I would never feel that way again. But, then, I met someone else who I fell in love with, and the love was the same I had for Fallon. This boy was a Cast Member, like myself, and we lived in the same housing development, in neighboring buildings to boot! He became my best friend down there. He pushed me to try new things, taught me to be more expressive and open, and broadened my view of optimistic energy and attitude. We did everything together and were hardly apart. We spent practically every day together. In our spare time when we weren’t at work, if we weren’t in any of the Disney Parks, or at Downtown Disney, we were food shopping together at Walmart, Publix, or Walgreens, taking trips to the Orlando Mall, or doing laundry together. Oh, and before I forget, we can call him Adrian.

Anyway, when I was starting to believe I’d never find someone like Jaren again, someone that could make me feel that kind of “love” again, Adrian came into the picture and melted my worries away. Of course, nothing ever happened between us either, since he likes men and I’m a girl, but I can happily say now that he is also my best friend and I love him to pieces! (On a Side Note: I was the Maid of Honor at his California Wedding this past March. Ooooh, he was sooo cute and his boyfriend/fiance aka now husband was just as adorable and they’re such a perfect match! Squee!!!)

That being said, I’ve grown hopeless again. So hopeless that I tried online dating. Now, now, I have nothing against it, but I’d prefer to meet my prince-to-be in real life instead of via the interwebs (yeah, I said interwebs.) Anyway, through these social dating sites, I’ve gone on a few dates lately, but haven’t felt a connection and they were just that: dates. They were few and far between and nothing developed.

Now, last night (and in my previous post) I mentioned that I had gone to a bar (ah, college life) with my friend Kels and her boyfriend and some of his friends. One of his friends kept with me all night, talking to me about art (since that’s my major and he went to school for animation) and how he valued friendship (for example, when his friends started to grow drunk, he began passing them cups of water every hour), which I found very sweet, but when we danced we weren’t in sync. Our rhythms just didn’t match. I know this may sound silly, but just based on that and the fact that there was no “feeling”, well, I’ve disregarded him as a potential date, let alone potential boyfriend or more. Is that silly?

Most of my friends, especially my other brother’s (oh, his name is Kit, by the way) girlfriend, say that I am too picky. Even my family is starting to say this! But, it’s not that I’m picky but have standards. I know what I’m looking for and an acquantince of mine said there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, he tells me that it’s a good thing to know what you want. It just so happens that the guys I’ve met so far (Jaren and Adrian excluded) haven’t stood up to my standards, yet.

But, I’m 25. I’d hoped to be married and have kids by now. My maternal grand-memere was married around 17 or 19, my maternal grandmother, Memere, was married at age 21, and my mom was married at 22. All three of them had children by the time they were my age. I don’t know…I just sort of feel like I’ve let them all down somehow by not even having a kid, yet, let alone a serious relationship with the prospect of marriage even in the future. -Insert a heavy sigh here-

Well, I think this will end my rather wishy-washy post for the night. Sorry if it’s overly melodramatic and longer compared to my other posts. It’s just something I wanted to get off my chest, especially the paragraph above this one.

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

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5 thoughts on “Love: A Seemingly Impossible Quest

  1. Pingback: Jumping Back to the Love Topic | A Sunny Place To Think

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  3. seoulladies

    Though I’m not much older than you, as a married woman, (haha!) I feel I can offer a bit of advice. Though love is good, sometimes it’s important to spend time for yourself. Once you get married, you’ll always be caring for two. And when you have children (also I’m thinking about this these days too… it’s my next step. Can you imagine baby Jems? o_o;) it’ll be caring more and more for them all of the time, and it won’t be easy to do a lot of things. Seeing friends will be harder. Seeing your family might be harder too because everyone gets busy with their lives. This is a bigger problem for me as you know I’m on the other side of the world. .___.; But the right person seems to come when you least expect it. The wait is hard. But when he shows up, it’s going to be awesome. And you’ll “feel” it. Maybe not from the first time you look at (or dance with lol) him, but it might be something very subtle. He looks at you in a different way. You give a hug goodbye and you suddenly feel “Oh?! This is nicer than I expected…” Either way, you’ll meet him soon enough. Maybe he’s in Korea. So you’ll just have to come here XD

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  4. Pingback: A Sunny Place To Think | Soleil Porche | GUM: Growing up Millennial

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