Monthly Archives: August 2015

Insecurity: A Daunting Companion

I am secretly insecure. About a lot of things. Sure, I’m the chipper, go-to gal amongst all of my friends and family, too. I’m always ready to lend a helping hand, whether it be running your errands for you, to babysitting your kid, to helping out with homework or housework or yardwork. Optimism is my middle name, mostly. I always have a ready smile and I always have something to laugh about.

But deep down, WAY deep down the darkness known as fear weaves me in a tighter web. I think this is the source my anxiety feeds on. This internal fear that I hide away so well from so many people that they don’t even know I have this problem until someone I’m close to (like my mother, for instance) tells them.

What am I insecure about? Many things. I’ve touched on them briefly in previous posts. Like how I’m 25, have only ever had one “serious” relationship (which only lasted 6 months), fear that I’ll never find “the one”, and I’ll die old and alone. That I’m still a student at university and already owe up to 16,000$+ in student loan debt and I still have, at least, 3 more semesters to study through in order to get my degree. How I currently have no “actual” job, but rather a variety of odd-end side jobs that don’t offer 401K’s, or retirement plans, or insurance and health plans. I’m not on a payroll!

I am a 25 year old university student working odd jobs that don’t offer steady payroll or benefits, making at least $1.50 more than New Jersey’s current minimum wage per hour, have 6 student loans, 2 credit card bills, and 1 car payment (plus $300 for insurance every 2.5 months), a cell phone bill, and only $40 in my savings account.

I’m afraid I’ll never be financially secure and that I’ll have to live with my parents for the rest of my life. It’s such a frightening idea, not because I don’t like them (because I do) but because I know they can’t afford to support me now, let alone for the rest of their lives! Besides, guys tend to shy away when I say I still live with my parents due to my financial situation.

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I’m afraid I won’t find a good job after college. (I mean, who wants to hire an art major nowadays? I think I picked a crappy major). I’m afraid that I’ll only find mediocre jobs that don’t pay well and don’t offer the benefits necessary to live in today’s world. I’m afraid that I’ll never make enough money to pay off my debts. I’m afraid that I’ll never make enough to get a house, to get married, to start a family. I can’t even try to travel because that’s too expensive!!!

Every day I hear on the news about America’s economy and how people are struggling. How the middle class is shrinking and the lower class is growing in size. How it costs a middle-class family over $105,000 to support a family of 4 per year! How one 19 year old student in North Jersey already owes $60,000+ in student debt and still has 2 more years of college to go. That’s ridiculous!

I know my situation could be worse so for the fact that it is not so horrible is a blessing and a slight relief, but that fear still grips me. It’s always there, a dim, nibbling presence in my mind and it’s scary!

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So now you know a bit more about me. And what I’m afraid of. I feel like we’ve bonded. Thanks for listening….

Look for my words again soon.

-Soleil

The Spongebob Quote Goes “My Leg!”

My leg, it hurts. Ow, ow, ow. I’ve been groaning about my leg for about ten minutes now. I feel like the fish on Spongebob, who, no matter what happens but in every catastrophe on the show, cries:

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Like a fool who doesn’t like to to take medication, I didn’t fill my pain medication. I only filled the inflammation medicine. So, I’m resorting to icing. While this is a temporary relief, it is better than nothing.

In other news, I’m watching “Maleficent” with my parents (it’s not like I can go out anywhere). I did give it a rather strict review in a previous post once and that wasn’t even my full review of it. Anyway, watching it a second time, it does have its charm and graces, good animation and fair cast, but I’m still not a fan of how they humanized Maleficent.

In other, other news, I’m looking for a Critique Partner (aka CP) for my book I’ve been writing. I posted a classified ad on another wordpress blog, so let’s see what comes up. If any of you ahve suggestions, I’d be glad to hear them. I’ll keep writing after the movie.

Look for my words again soon.

-Soleil

What I’ve Been Up To (An Update)

Guys! I have totally failed in my upkeeping this “daily entry” thing for you on my blog here. It’s just…I’ve had a busy few past couple of days.

With school starting next week (-gasp!-), I’ve had to get my school supplies and text books. I’m taking some pretty interesting classes, yay!

  1. Anatomy for the Artist
  2. Elementary Japanese
  3. Public Speaking
  4. Intro to Astronomy (Online!)

I’m still trying to figure out how I’m supposed to take an Astronomy class online, but I did sign up for it myself, and it is a college course (since I’m in University and all), but I’m curious how they’re going to structure it. For example, will I have to meet on campus some nights to go to the observatory and look at certain stars and planets and such? I don’t mind, I’m just curious if that will be a thing.

Ah...DW quotes...and Van Gogh! -sigh-

Ah…DW quotes…and Van Gogh! -sigh-

Oh, um, also, I hurt my ankle.

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Yeah…. You see, I was babysitting a 4-year old. Well, I let the family dog outside and when I heard him barking, I thought maybe there was a gate in the fence in the backyard that might have been open, so I went to check while the 4-year old watched “Spiderman”! So, I ran after the dog, and there was apparently this hole in the yard…that I didn’t see, and my foot went into it…and my ankle went POP! Yeah…it hurt a lot after that. So to the ER I went (after babysitting of course), dun dun daa! I was there until 2AM!

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This was my result:

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My poor ankle and leg, all wrapped up and held together with a stirrup splint. Woe is me! Well, I mean, it could have been way worse! The good news is that it’s not broken and there were no fractures in the bones. The bad news is that I may have torn a ligament, tendon, or muscle. The doctor at the ER told me to keep off my foot for the next week, use the crutches they gave to me, and keep my foot wrapped. Keep it elevated, stay off of it, nurse it, be kind to it. Basically, (don’t) run. -wink wink there, Whovians-

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Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

P.S. This has secretly really been a big Doctor Who-themed post, hahaha!

A Night In The City!

Whelp, I’m an idiot and almost got ran over my a cab. No worries! I’m fine. But seriously, I crossed one street and for some reason thought it was okay to cross the next, except it wasn’t. So, I saw the cab coming at me, not even trying to slow down, and managed to leap back onto the curb. Whew!

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Of course I did joke to Kels afterwards (she went to Philly with me tonight) that if I was going to be hit by a car, that was the intersection to do it at because that was the intersection where the Jefferson Hospital was. At least I’d be admitted somewhat quickly. XD

Uh…anyway, I went to Philadelphia tonight with Kels to go to my favorite ramen shop: Hiro Ramen. It’s delicious as ever! Then, we walked around for awhile trying to find someplace to buy a sweet treat as a desert but everything was closed!

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Even the Starbucks was closed at 9PM on a Friday night! I know for a fact that the Starbucks by where I live is open until 11PM on Friday nights, so why was the one in the city closed so early??? …I have no idea, but it was disappointing.

So, Kels and I ended up wandering around the Arts District until we found: Capogiro!

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This place, by the way, is a Gelato Artisan and is rated #1 in the World by National Geographic! Needless to say, the gelato here is outstanding! I ordered a chocolate caramel medio gelato. Yum! Here’s a pic (-wink wink-):

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Ah…it was so good. I want another. -sigh-

Well, needless to say I’ll probably plan another trip back. I do want to get to the Philadelphia Art Museum before the Impressionists exhibit closes in September. It features work by Monet, Degas, Renoir, Manet, and Pissarro. Those are all some of my very favorite artists! -swoons-
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Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

What Is This?

Tonight, the topic of conversation between my parents is my wedding.

They’re planning it.

giphyI don’t even have a boyfriend! Did they secretly find my blog between now and yesterday and read my last post?

Ah…but they reassure me it’s just a “future planning” thing and that they are including my brother’s weddings, too. For instance, what to do if one of the three of us, or two of us, or all three of us get married in the next three years. Since Jae and I are still single, and Kit is the only one with a serious relationship (going on 4 years now), I think they only have one wedding to plan in the near future.

This doesn’t bother me that they are discussing these sorts of plans…it’s that they’re pairing me with a guy they approve of for me as my husband for the planning.

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Of course he is a nice kid and the boy of my discussion yesterday (Ant, I’m talking about Ant!)…but it just seems awfully coincidental. Actually…I did ask God for a sign. Is this it? Is this my sign? It’s a rather obvious one if it is.

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Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

Love: A Serious Topic

Love has many definitions, but sometimes I struggle to find which kind I have and who it’s for. If you type the word “love” into dictionary.com or just look it up the old-fashioned way in a paper dictionary (no problems there), you get a handful of definitions. For example:

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

But when couples say they are “in love” are they describing love as the description of #3 or something closer to #4? Does it start as #3 and grow into #4? Can it be vice versa?

I think all love is different and it grows in many ways. My problem is, I want that special kind of relationship that other loving couples have. But when it comes down to it, I wonder, how serious am I about the person in terms of my affections, or is my desire to be in a relationship the stronger feeling?

I suppose it’s sad to wonder that. Well, I know it is, actually. But, I also guess that a lot of people feel that way, but very few are willing to admit it.

Let’s face it. The human world has almost always pushed people to pair off. It’s the way of nature. It’s the way of survival. It’s the way of life. No one wants to be alone, not deep down, not really, truly alone.

So, in the end, is it that desire to not be alone, to have someone by your side to share your life with, or is it love? Is it both? Why not? It very well could be. It very well could be not. I think it all depends on the people in the relationship. I’ve seen them thrive, I’ve seen them fall.

And I still want it.

I want to fall madly, deeply in love with someone. I want to have that special spark, that connection, with someone I can trust, I can love, I can raise a family with, I can grow old with. I want someone to help me when I have troubles, I want to share support with them. I want to feel needed. I want to feel loved. I have love I want to share. I want someone who understands me and will let me grow to understand them in turn.

That’s a lot to ask for.

The problem is, really, I wonder if I’ve had that all along with this one person. I know how he feels about me, even my parents know how he feels about me. To quote my father: “When we were spending time together over the holiday and he was visiting us at our home, they way he would look at you when you weren’t watching, it was like you were the only one in the room.”

Is it ridiculous to assume that I have had what I’ve been looking for my entire adult life and am only now seeing that truth?

So why is it that I constantly find reasons to tell myself I can’t be with him? When we dated in high school for a month, I ended it because I felt like we could only be friends. But at the time when we started our relationship, I had a crush on someone in my school (we went to separate schools), so did I just never give him the chance?

When high school finished and he went into the military and was transferred to all sorts of bases around the country and world to train, I couldn’t date him, not in a long-distance relationship. Just, no.

So, when he graduated from his military training and was officially stationed at a base, no more than an hour and a half via plane, why not then? I never made enough money for a plane ticket. It would still be long-distance. I am afraid of flying alone!

But, how stupid are those excuses, really? Why do I make them? I know I feel something for him, but I don’t know which definition it falls under. I can’t discern it clearly enough to be sure. But when I think about it, he fits everything I’ve ever wanted:

He makes me laugh. He has since we met back in pre-school, continued to do so as we grew up together, and still does now. I know I can trust him. He understands me. He knows that when I’m writing or working on artwork that I need my space. He doesn’t try to get in my face or constantly vie for my attention like past relationship partners. He gives me my space to work. And, honestly, I see that we could have a future together and have a family and grow old together and be content.

Content.

It’s that word, right there that makes me wonder. Is it really love? Or am I just so tired of looking and waiting for my “knight-in-shining-armor” that I’m settling?

But, crap, what if it’s love and I don’t realize it. Crap, crap, crap, just…merde.

That’s my daily rant.

Look for my words again soon.

-Soleil

Comic Collaboration: A Word To My Fellow WordPress Bloggers

I have, for some time, sincerely wished to start an online webcomic through my Deviant Art account page. However, I’m seriously lacking in the digital art field. So, while I can come up with all of these great story ideas to write about, and I can hand-draw my sketches and outlines for my comic, I cannot digitally ink or color it. I just don’t know how.

I have watched tutorial after tutorial and I STILL get it all wrong when I finally sit down to try it. My attempts always come out very poor. It’s very discouraging and I just end up frustrated.

I have tried, for some time now, too, over the summer, to ask fellow artists on Deviant Art if anyone would be willing to collaborate with me. I would do all of the story writing and I can handle designs, and then I can pass these drafts on to my collaboration partner to create a digital version of it that we can then upload onto Deviant Art for others to enjoy.

However, no one has responded to my asking and I grow disheartened still. So, let me ask you, WordPress community and fellow bloggers: Are any of you interested in helping me to create a webcomic we can publish to Deviant Art? Are any of you willing to be the digital artist while I am the writer and designer?

Please let me know with a comment below.

Sincerely,

Soleil