Monthly Archives: August 2015

Insecurity: A Daunting Companion

I am secretly insecure. About a lot of things. Sure, I’m the chipper, go-to gal amongst all of my friends and family, too. I’m always ready to lend a helping hand, whether it be running your errands for you, to babysitting your kid, to helping out with homework or housework or yardwork. Optimism is my middle name, mostly. I always have a ready smile and I always have something to laugh about.

But deep down, WAY deep down the darkness known as fear weaves me in a tighter web. I think this is the source my anxiety feeds on. This internal fear that I hide away so well from so many people that they don’t even know I have this problem until someone I’m close to (like my mother, for instance) tells them.

What am I insecure about? Many things. I’ve touched on them briefly in previous posts. Like how I’m 25, have only ever had one “serious” relationship (which only lasted 6 months), fear that I’ll never find “the one”, and I’ll die old and alone. That I’m still a student at university and already owe up to 16,000$+ in student loan debt and I still have, at least, 3 more semesters to study through in order to get my degree. How I currently have no “actual” job, but rather a variety of odd-end side jobs that don’t offer 401K’s, or retirement plans, or insurance and health plans. I’m not on a payroll!

I am a 25 year old university student working odd jobs that don’t offer steady payroll or benefits, making at least $1.50 more than New Jersey’s current minimum wage per hour, have 6 student loans, 2 credit card bills, and 1 car payment (plus $300 for insurance every 2.5 months), a cell phone bill, and only $40 in my savings account.

I’m afraid I’ll never be financially secure and that I’ll have to live with my parents for the rest of my life. It’s such a frightening idea, not because I don’t like them (because I do) but because I know they can’t afford to support me now, let alone for the rest of their lives! Besides, guys tend to shy away when I say I still live with my parents due to my financial situation.

frustrated-gif1_zps34a4937e

I’m afraid I won’t find a good job after college. (I mean, who wants to hire an art major nowadays? I think I picked a crappy major). I’m afraid that I’ll only find mediocre jobs that don’t pay well and don’t offer the benefits necessary to live in today’s world. I’m afraid that I’ll never make enough money to pay off my debts. I’m afraid that I’ll never make enough to get a house, to get married, to start a family. I can’t even try to travel because that’s too expensive!!!

Every day I hear on the news about America’s economy and how people are struggling. How the middle class is shrinking and the lower class is growing in size. How it costs a middle-class family over $105,000 to support a family of 4 per year! How one 19 year old student in North Jersey already owes $60,000+ in student debt and still has 2 more years of college to go. That’s ridiculous!

I know my situation could be worse so for the fact that it is not so horrible is a blessing and a slight relief, but that fear still grips me. It’s always there, a dim, nibbling presence in my mind and it’s scary!

h4dYXas

So now you know a bit more about me. And what I’m afraid of. I feel like we’ve bonded. Thanks for listening….

Look for my words again soon.

-Soleil

The Spongebob Quote Goes “My Leg!”

My leg, it hurts. Ow, ow, ow. I’ve been groaning about my leg for about ten minutes now. I feel like the fish on Spongebob, who, no matter what happens but in every catastrophe on the show, cries:

tumblr_mpx381Ey051qmt85zo3_1280

Like a fool who doesn’t like to to take medication, I didn’t fill my pain medication. I only filled the inflammation medicine. So, I’m resorting to icing. While this is a temporary relief, it is better than nothing.

In other news, I’m watching “Maleficent” with my parents (it’s not like I can go out anywhere). I did give it a rather strict review in a previous post once and that wasn’t even my full review of it. Anyway, watching it a second time, it does have its charm and graces, good animation and fair cast, but I’m still not a fan of how they humanized Maleficent.

In other, other news, I’m looking for a Critique Partner (aka CP) for my book I’ve been writing. I posted a classified ad on another wordpress blog, so let’s see what comes up. If any of you ahve suggestions, I’d be glad to hear them. I’ll keep writing after the movie.

Look for my words again soon.

-Soleil

What I’ve Been Up To (An Update)

Guys! I have totally failed in my upkeeping this “daily entry” thing for you on my blog here. It’s just…I’ve had a busy few past couple of days.

With school starting next week (-gasp!-), I’ve had to get my school supplies and text books. I’m taking some pretty interesting classes, yay!

  1. Anatomy for the Artist
  2. Elementary Japanese
  3. Public Speaking
  4. Intro to Astronomy (Online!)

I’m still trying to figure out how I’m supposed to take an Astronomy class online, but I did sign up for it myself, and it is a college course (since I’m in University and all), but I’m curious how they’re going to structure it. For example, will I have to meet on campus some nights to go to the observatory and look at certain stars and planets and such? I don’t mind, I’m just curious if that will be a thing.

Ah...DW quotes...and Van Gogh! -sigh-

Ah…DW quotes…and Van Gogh! -sigh-

Oh, um, also, I hurt my ankle.

e9a174db2561c1a71770cd6e78b3b362

Yeah…. You see, I was babysitting a 4-year old. Well, I let the family dog outside and when I heard him barking, I thought maybe there was a gate in the fence in the backyard that might have been open, so I went to check while the 4-year old watched “Spiderman”! So, I ran after the dog, and there was apparently this hole in the yard…that I didn’t see, and my foot went into it…and my ankle went POP! Yeah…it hurt a lot after that. So to the ER I went (after babysitting of course), dun dun daa! I was there until 2AM!

giphy-facebook_s

This was my result:

IMG_7145

My poor ankle and leg, all wrapped up and held together with a stirrup splint. Woe is me! Well, I mean, it could have been way worse! The good news is that it’s not broken and there were no fractures in the bones. The bad news is that I may have torn a ligament, tendon, or muscle. The doctor at the ER told me to keep off my foot for the next week, use the crutches they gave to me, and keep my foot wrapped. Keep it elevated, stay off of it, nurse it, be kind to it. Basically, (don’t) run. -wink wink there, Whovians-

tumblr_inline_nkell0qSPx1t4v6ok

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

P.S. This has secretly really been a big Doctor Who-themed post, hahaha!

A Night In The City!

Whelp, I’m an idiot and almost got ran over my a cab. No worries! I’m fine. But seriously, I crossed one street and for some reason thought it was okay to cross the next, except it wasn’t. So, I saw the cab coming at me, not even trying to slow down, and managed to leap back onto the curb. Whew!

tumblr_inline_n78qvyTecl1rwkq48

Of course I did joke to Kels afterwards (she went to Philly with me tonight) that if I was going to be hit by a car, that was the intersection to do it at because that was the intersection where the Jefferson Hospital was. At least I’d be admitted somewhat quickly. XD

Uh…anyway, I went to Philadelphia tonight with Kels to go to my favorite ramen shop: Hiro Ramen. It’s delicious as ever! Then, we walked around for awhile trying to find someplace to buy a sweet treat as a desert but everything was closed!

tumblr_inline_nplfamK4hJ1r7s6v3_500

Even the Starbucks was closed at 9PM on a Friday night! I know for a fact that the Starbucks by where I live is open until 11PM on Friday nights, so why was the one in the city closed so early??? …I have no idea, but it was disappointing.

So, Kels and I ended up wandering around the Arts District until we found: Capogiro!

IMG_2281

This place, by the way, is a Gelato Artisan and is rated #1 in the World by National Geographic! Needless to say, the gelato here is outstanding! I ordered a chocolate caramel medio gelato. Yum! Here’s a pic (-wink wink-):

IMG_2280

Ah…it was so good. I want another. -sigh-

Well, needless to say I’ll probably plan another trip back. I do want to get to the Philadelphia Art Museum before the Impressionists exhibit closes in September. It features work by Monet, Degas, Renoir, Manet, and Pissarro. Those are all some of my very favorite artists! -swoons-
861a2f8fc6e6fccafb947259eefed94a

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

What Is This?

Tonight, the topic of conversation between my parents is my wedding.

They’re planning it.

giphyI don’t even have a boyfriend! Did they secretly find my blog between now and yesterday and read my last post?

Ah…but they reassure me it’s just a “future planning” thing and that they are including my brother’s weddings, too. For instance, what to do if one of the three of us, or two of us, or all three of us get married in the next three years. Since Jae and I are still single, and Kit is the only one with a serious relationship (going on 4 years now), I think they only have one wedding to plan in the near future.

This doesn’t bother me that they are discussing these sorts of plans…it’s that they’re pairing me with a guy they approve of for me as my husband for the planning.

why-me

Of course he is a nice kid and the boy of my discussion yesterday (Ant, I’m talking about Ant!)…but it just seems awfully coincidental. Actually…I did ask God for a sign. Is this it? Is this my sign? It’s a rather obvious one if it is.

tumblr_m41le9tmbq1qljuk4

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

Love: A Serious Topic

Love has many definitions, but sometimes I struggle to find which kind I have and who it’s for. If you type the word “love” into dictionary.com or just look it up the old-fashioned way in a paper dictionary (no problems there), you get a handful of definitions. For example:

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

But when couples say they are “in love” are they describing love as the description of #3 or something closer to #4? Does it start as #3 and grow into #4? Can it be vice versa?

I think all love is different and it grows in many ways. My problem is, I want that special kind of relationship that other loving couples have. But when it comes down to it, I wonder, how serious am I about the person in terms of my affections, or is my desire to be in a relationship the stronger feeling?

I suppose it’s sad to wonder that. Well, I know it is, actually. But, I also guess that a lot of people feel that way, but very few are willing to admit it.

Let’s face it. The human world has almost always pushed people to pair off. It’s the way of nature. It’s the way of survival. It’s the way of life. No one wants to be alone, not deep down, not really, truly alone.

So, in the end, is it that desire to not be alone, to have someone by your side to share your life with, or is it love? Is it both? Why not? It very well could be. It very well could be not. I think it all depends on the people in the relationship. I’ve seen them thrive, I’ve seen them fall.

And I still want it.

I want to fall madly, deeply in love with someone. I want to have that special spark, that connection, with someone I can trust, I can love, I can raise a family with, I can grow old with. I want someone to help me when I have troubles, I want to share support with them. I want to feel needed. I want to feel loved. I have love I want to share. I want someone who understands me and will let me grow to understand them in turn.

That’s a lot to ask for.

The problem is, really, I wonder if I’ve had that all along with this one person. I know how he feels about me, even my parents know how he feels about me. To quote my father: “When we were spending time together over the holiday and he was visiting us at our home, they way he would look at you when you weren’t watching, it was like you were the only one in the room.”

Is it ridiculous to assume that I have had what I’ve been looking for my entire adult life and am only now seeing that truth?

So why is it that I constantly find reasons to tell myself I can’t be with him? When we dated in high school for a month, I ended it because I felt like we could only be friends. But at the time when we started our relationship, I had a crush on someone in my school (we went to separate schools), so did I just never give him the chance?

When high school finished and he went into the military and was transferred to all sorts of bases around the country and world to train, I couldn’t date him, not in a long-distance relationship. Just, no.

So, when he graduated from his military training and was officially stationed at a base, no more than an hour and a half via plane, why not then? I never made enough money for a plane ticket. It would still be long-distance. I am afraid of flying alone!

But, how stupid are those excuses, really? Why do I make them? I know I feel something for him, but I don’t know which definition it falls under. I can’t discern it clearly enough to be sure. But when I think about it, he fits everything I’ve ever wanted:

He makes me laugh. He has since we met back in pre-school, continued to do so as we grew up together, and still does now. I know I can trust him. He understands me. He knows that when I’m writing or working on artwork that I need my space. He doesn’t try to get in my face or constantly vie for my attention like past relationship partners. He gives me my space to work. And, honestly, I see that we could have a future together and have a family and grow old together and be content.

Content.

It’s that word, right there that makes me wonder. Is it really love? Or am I just so tired of looking and waiting for my “knight-in-shining-armor” that I’m settling?

But, crap, what if it’s love and I don’t realize it. Crap, crap, crap, just…merde.

That’s my daily rant.

Look for my words again soon.

-Soleil

Comic Collaboration: A Word To My Fellow WordPress Bloggers

I have, for some time, sincerely wished to start an online webcomic through my Deviant Art account page. However, I’m seriously lacking in the digital art field. So, while I can come up with all of these great story ideas to write about, and I can hand-draw my sketches and outlines for my comic, I cannot digitally ink or color it. I just don’t know how.

I have watched tutorial after tutorial and I STILL get it all wrong when I finally sit down to try it. My attempts always come out very poor. It’s very discouraging and I just end up frustrated.

I have tried, for some time now, too, over the summer, to ask fellow artists on Deviant Art if anyone would be willing to collaborate with me. I would do all of the story writing and I can handle designs, and then I can pass these drafts on to my collaboration partner to create a digital version of it that we can then upload onto Deviant Art for others to enjoy.

However, no one has responded to my asking and I grow disheartened still. So, let me ask you, WordPress community and fellow bloggers: Are any of you interested in helping me to create a webcomic we can publish to Deviant Art? Are any of you willing to be the digital artist while I am the writer and designer?

Please let me know with a comment below.

Sincerely,

Soleil

Movie Review: Belle (2014)

I figured I should post a review, since I haven’t done that in a while, I don’t think. (Ahem, Disclaimer: Spoilers Ahead!) Anyway…, yesterday I watched the movie “Belle”:

belle poster

Because I’m a Disney dunderhead, I thought this was supposed to be a sort of retelling of “Beauty and the Beast”. I was wrong. I don’t know why they even titled it Belle, because, yes the title girl’s full name is Dido Elizabeth Belle Lindsay, but they call her Dido throughout the entire film. Were the makers of the movie worried that people would mispronounce the movie title if they had called it “Dido”? I don’t know. I just think they could have picked a better title. Seriously, the title “Belle” is really confusing. At least, I think so.

Regardless, I found the film captivating. It covered issues that were present at the time, such as slavery of blacks in Britain, the difficulties of Dido growing up as a mulato English heiress (due to her white father, a Royal Navy officer, leaving her his pension after his death), and the struggles of aristocracy for a black woman in English society.

For example, Dido was seen as enough of an equal to dine with her white family in private (she lives with her great-uncle (the Lord Chief Justice and the 1st Earl of Mansfield, William Murray and aunt Elizabeth, and her cousin, Lady Elizabeth (Bet) Murray. (Quick backstory as to how Dido came to live with them: Dido’s father had to go off on a naval excursion to the Indies and left her in the care of his uncle and aunt. Bet is the daughter of William and Elizabeth’s nephew, who later in life becomes the 2nd Earl of Mansfield (although that is not covered in the movie) and sent to live with her uncle and aunt. She is already living there with them when Dido is brought in.)), however, when there are guests attending meals at the house, she must eat separately from her family, but could not dine with the servants, due to social protocol, so says her uncle. There is a quote in the movie where Dido asks (more or less like so): “How can I be ranked low enough that I cannot eat meals with my family and our guests, but ranked too high to dine with the servants?”.

Anyway, it’s a great period-piece in my opinion and you should watch it. If anything at all but for to watch it as a purely historical standpoint. Also, need I mention that Tom Felton is in it? He plays James Ashford. That’s right, Draco Malfoy plays the son of an English Lord in this movie:

largeAnd, for any “Doctor Who” fans out there, Penelope Wilton plays Lady Mary Murray, the spinster sister of William Murray, I believe:

image

Well, there you have it. My review is that you should watch this movie. It’s fantastic, dramatic, lovely, and all-around interesting. Watch it!

Look for my words again soon!

tumblr_mmnfpzjF8m1rc0hz5o1_500-1-Soleil

Playing Catch-Up

Shops and Restaurants and Cafes line Asbury Avenue in Ocean City’s Downtown. They and the street buzz with activity as locals and tourists visit during the summer holiday. Trees offer shade at the shopfronts and sidewalks allow for easy comfort and separation from the road traffic.

IMG_2247

Pretty flowers lined this sign! I wish I knew what kind they were. My parents said they might be geraniums, or some type of them. I wish I knew for sure…. Do any of you know what kind of flowers these are?:

IMG_2246IMG_2245

I really wanted to eat at this cafe:

IMG_2253

It’s called “Ma France Crêperie”, which translates to “My France Crêperie”. Very simple. But, they were only open from 8AM – 3PM. Not that this was an absurd time window, but I just always found myself remembering this place after 3PM. -sigh- Perhaps next time I can try to eat there. I love crêpes! I also wanted to eat at a restaurant called “The Chatterbox” which even has dog-friendly patio seating outside! But, alas, no one wanted to go with me and I didn’t want to go alone. -sigh again-

IMG_2252

Oh! It rained on…Tuesday, I think…and, afterwards, there was this GORGEOUS double rainbow! Of course, the second rainbow is very faint, but it’s there, barely visible on the righthand side.

See for yourselves!:

IMG_2238

IMG_2237

Also, after the storms, the clouds looked like they had been painted into the sky:

IMG_2244

Literally, I thought they looked like clouds painted on a canvas in a rococo style, like “The Swing” by French artist, Jean-Honoré Fragonard, and “Jupiter in the Guise of Diana and the Nymph Callisto” by, also French artist, François Boucher. The paintings are light and airy and the light and colors are emphasized. Rococo is a late-Baroque period style of painting that I am in love with.

Also, we played a lot of Scrabble on this trip. It was one of the boardgames supplied at the beach house for rainy days or just general fun, as we found it. I love Scrabble. I love creating words out of the tiles. It’s sort of like my love for crossword puzzles. I think the two might be related somehow, though the love for it is the same. Here’s one of our games after we had played all of our tiles:

IMG_2236

Let’s see…what else? Ah, there was one night where when I was walking on the beach after dark and it was low tide, that I came across one of the jetty’s on the beach and found life! I found rock after rock covered with little mussel shells! It was fascinating!

IMG_2233 IMG_2235

I thought it was spectacular and was a bit sad to leave the little creatures to go back to the beach house. They bubbled when you ran your fingers across them and they grew in great patches across the large rocks!

Then there was a “Baby Parade“. The 106th annual baby parade held in Ocean City at the boardwalk. The only thing I took a picture of was that, at some point in the parade, there was a Scottish Pipe and Drum band. I love Scottish Pipe and Drum bands….they call themselves the “Sand Pipers” (after the bird, get it, haha) and they were playing “Danny Boy”, so I simply had to snap a photo:

IMG_2256

Also, I believe I mentioned that my family and I rode around on the boardwalk yesterday morning in a surry. Here’s a photo I asked one of the attendants to take when we arrived back at the surry shop:

IMG_2261I’m the one sitting right up front with the tropical shirt. My brother Kit is sitting behind me with his glasses and scruffy beard. Then in the second row, it’s my mom and dad, and Kit’s girlfriend. Oh, her name is Sydney, by the way.

This morning, I had some very delicious Eggs Benedict for breakfast. If you ever meet me and want to make a good impression, take me out for breakfast and order me Eggs Benedict. I may very well love you forever.

IMG_2262Also, there was this adorable little teapot that they gave me when I ordered hot tea! See?:

IMG_2264

Actually, I’m not sure that I would call it a teapot…maybe a tea canister? Anyway, it’s adorable and I want one! But…I don’t know what it’s called so I’m not sure how to search for it!

-sniff sniff- The Doctor knows how I feel! -sobs in a corner- I really would love this glass tea brewer!

Well, those are all of my photos that I took while on my very lovely family vacation. I hope you all had a great week because I sure did!

gif-jim-parsons-peace-out-sheldon-the-big-bang-theory-Favim_com-294247_zpsc33e032c

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

Updates Are So Fun!

I have a couple of good photos to share with everyone! So, as soon as my phone is done charging, I will upload them. I hope you guys don’t mind the extended wait.

In other news, I’m home from vacation and I’ve already booked a flight to go to Myrtle Beach and Charleston, South Carolina for Labor Day weekend! I’m pretty excited since I’m flying down there to spend some time with a great friend of mine. His name is Ant, and we’ve known one another since we were 3. We started school together in pre-school and he lived around the corner from me for practically my whole life. He’s a great kid, but since he’s in the Air Force, he lives in SC now. So, I’m flying down to go visit him, yay!

571144_funny-anime-cute-anime-anime-funny-cute-anime-girl

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil