Category Archives: Dating

You Are Vibrantly Pretty!

Recently, my brother and his girlfriend set up an on-line dating profile for me. While I was in the room and fully aware of what they were doing, I did find it amusing and fun to set one up.

Normally, though I’m not very into the whole on-line dating thing. Then again, I’m very bad at regular dating to begin with. Online dating, though, just seems a bit more overwhelming than normal dates. Firstly, I have no clue who the people messaging me are, despite what their profiles might say and what pictures they might have posted.

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I am especially bad at the private messaging aspect of the whole thing. For instance, I am not used to being called “hot” or “cute” or “adorable”. Sure, I hear it from my father all of the time: “You are a beautiful young woman and any guy would be lucky to have you”, but he has to say that, right? He’s my dad, after all. So, when other people tell me that:

“You are really cute.”

“You are beautiful.”

“You are the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen.”

“You are vibrantly pretty”,  and so on, I tend to become very nervous.

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To be honest, I don’t see myself as cute or beautiful or gorgeous or vibrantly pretty. When I look in the mirror or at photos of myself I see a goofy dork who looks averagely average. So, when other people say otherwise I become very bashful.

I think it would be safe to conclude now that on-line dating is not for me and I will continue to struggle on alone through the actual real-life dating world (although it is just as awkward and embarrassing when I hear these things in real life, too).

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Just, Right Now….

Sometimes I get teary when I realize that I’m almost 26 and the longest relationship I have ever had was six months.

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And that I have had a pretty lousy date/relationship record so far, including an obsessive controller, a liar, and a cheater.

Personally, I think it’s rather hard to find someone to actually be in a relationship with. I live in a very rural area so it’s not like there are many guys around to choose from. When I’m in my university classes, my classmates are always much younger than I am (the downfall of being a 25 year old college student).

All I’m asking for is someone who understands (and if they share it, that’s a bonus) my appreciation of art, writing, and history. Who will actually want to sit and watch the same shows and movies as me (yes, I’m the girl who still likes to go to Disney and other animated movies because they’re cute and I adore them and animation is what I want to do for a career, so it’s cool to see animation in action) and who accepts that reading tons of books is a very fun hobby for me. That I like to watch anime and BBC and that I’m a Whovian through and through (PS. My favorite Doctor to date is Matt Smith as Doctor 11)! That I enjoy Sherlock and think Benedict Cumberbatch is fantastic as the consulting detective (Martin Freeman is an excellent addition and they compliment each other very well, talent-wise). That I want to travel and find inspiration in new places for my art and writing (I truly believe an artist cannot survive creatively stuck in one place)! I mean, I don’t think I’m asking too much.

But sometimes…I’m just lonely and I’m getting awfully tired of waiting for Mr. Right.

Sincerely Yours,

Soleil

 

Insecurity: A Daunting Companion

I am secretly insecure. About a lot of things. Sure, I’m the chipper, go-to gal amongst all of my friends and family, too. I’m always ready to lend a helping hand, whether it be running your errands for you, to babysitting your kid, to helping out with homework or housework or yardwork. Optimism is my middle name, mostly. I always have a ready smile and I always have something to laugh about.

But deep down, WAY deep down the darkness known as fear weaves me in a tighter web. I think this is the source my anxiety feeds on. This internal fear that I hide away so well from so many people that they don’t even know I have this problem until someone I’m close to (like my mother, for instance) tells them.

What am I insecure about? Many things. I’ve touched on them briefly in previous posts. Like how I’m 25, have only ever had one “serious” relationship (which only lasted 6 months), fear that I’ll never find “the one”, and I’ll die old and alone. That I’m still a student at university and already owe up to 16,000$+ in student loan debt and I still have, at least, 3 more semesters to study through in order to get my degree. How I currently have no “actual” job, but rather a variety of odd-end side jobs that don’t offer 401K’s, or retirement plans, or insurance and health plans. I’m not on a payroll!

I am a 25 year old university student working odd jobs that don’t offer steady payroll or benefits, making at least $1.50 more than New Jersey’s current minimum wage per hour, have 6 student loans, 2 credit card bills, and 1 car payment (plus $300 for insurance every 2.5 months), a cell phone bill, and only $40 in my savings account.

I’m afraid I’ll never be financially secure and that I’ll have to live with my parents for the rest of my life. It’s such a frightening idea, not because I don’t like them (because I do) but because I know they can’t afford to support me now, let alone for the rest of their lives! Besides, guys tend to shy away when I say I still live with my parents due to my financial situation.

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I’m afraid I won’t find a good job after college. (I mean, who wants to hire an art major nowadays? I think I picked a crappy major). I’m afraid that I’ll only find mediocre jobs that don’t pay well and don’t offer the benefits necessary to live in today’s world. I’m afraid that I’ll never make enough money to pay off my debts. I’m afraid that I’ll never make enough to get a house, to get married, to start a family. I can’t even try to travel because that’s too expensive!!!

Every day I hear on the news about America’s economy and how people are struggling. How the middle class is shrinking and the lower class is growing in size. How it costs a middle-class family over $105,000 to support a family of 4 per year! How one 19 year old student in North Jersey already owes $60,000+ in student debt and still has 2 more years of college to go. That’s ridiculous!

I know my situation could be worse so for the fact that it is not so horrible is a blessing and a slight relief, but that fear still grips me. It’s always there, a dim, nibbling presence in my mind and it’s scary!

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So now you know a bit more about me. And what I’m afraid of. I feel like we’ve bonded. Thanks for listening….

Look for my words again soon.

-Soleil

What Is This?

Tonight, the topic of conversation between my parents is my wedding.

They’re planning it.

giphyI don’t even have a boyfriend! Did they secretly find my blog between now and yesterday and read my last post?

Ah…but they reassure me it’s just a “future planning” thing and that they are including my brother’s weddings, too. For instance, what to do if one of the three of us, or two of us, or all three of us get married in the next three years. Since Jae and I are still single, and Kit is the only one with a serious relationship (going on 4 years now), I think they only have one wedding to plan in the near future.

This doesn’t bother me that they are discussing these sorts of plans…it’s that they’re pairing me with a guy they approve of for me as my husband for the planning.

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Of course he is a nice kid and the boy of my discussion yesterday (Ant, I’m talking about Ant!)…but it just seems awfully coincidental. Actually…I did ask God for a sign. Is this it? Is this my sign? It’s a rather obvious one if it is.

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Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

Love: A Serious Topic

Love has many definitions, but sometimes I struggle to find which kind I have and who it’s for. If you type the word “love” into dictionary.com or just look it up the old-fashioned way in a paper dictionary (no problems there), you get a handful of definitions. For example:

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

But when couples say they are “in love” are they describing love as the description of #3 or something closer to #4? Does it start as #3 and grow into #4? Can it be vice versa?

I think all love is different and it grows in many ways. My problem is, I want that special kind of relationship that other loving couples have. But when it comes down to it, I wonder, how serious am I about the person in terms of my affections, or is my desire to be in a relationship the stronger feeling?

I suppose it’s sad to wonder that. Well, I know it is, actually. But, I also guess that a lot of people feel that way, but very few are willing to admit it.

Let’s face it. The human world has almost always pushed people to pair off. It’s the way of nature. It’s the way of survival. It’s the way of life. No one wants to be alone, not deep down, not really, truly alone.

So, in the end, is it that desire to not be alone, to have someone by your side to share your life with, or is it love? Is it both? Why not? It very well could be. It very well could be not. I think it all depends on the people in the relationship. I’ve seen them thrive, I’ve seen them fall.

And I still want it.

I want to fall madly, deeply in love with someone. I want to have that special spark, that connection, with someone I can trust, I can love, I can raise a family with, I can grow old with. I want someone to help me when I have troubles, I want to share support with them. I want to feel needed. I want to feel loved. I have love I want to share. I want someone who understands me and will let me grow to understand them in turn.

That’s a lot to ask for.

The problem is, really, I wonder if I’ve had that all along with this one person. I know how he feels about me, even my parents know how he feels about me. To quote my father: “When we were spending time together over the holiday and he was visiting us at our home, they way he would look at you when you weren’t watching, it was like you were the only one in the room.”

Is it ridiculous to assume that I have had what I’ve been looking for my entire adult life and am only now seeing that truth?

So why is it that I constantly find reasons to tell myself I can’t be with him? When we dated in high school for a month, I ended it because I felt like we could only be friends. But at the time when we started our relationship, I had a crush on someone in my school (we went to separate schools), so did I just never give him the chance?

When high school finished and he went into the military and was transferred to all sorts of bases around the country and world to train, I couldn’t date him, not in a long-distance relationship. Just, no.

So, when he graduated from his military training and was officially stationed at a base, no more than an hour and a half via plane, why not then? I never made enough money for a plane ticket. It would still be long-distance. I am afraid of flying alone!

But, how stupid are those excuses, really? Why do I make them? I know I feel something for him, but I don’t know which definition it falls under. I can’t discern it clearly enough to be sure. But when I think about it, he fits everything I’ve ever wanted:

He makes me laugh. He has since we met back in pre-school, continued to do so as we grew up together, and still does now. I know I can trust him. He understands me. He knows that when I’m writing or working on artwork that I need my space. He doesn’t try to get in my face or constantly vie for my attention like past relationship partners. He gives me my space to work. And, honestly, I see that we could have a future together and have a family and grow old together and be content.

Content.

It’s that word, right there that makes me wonder. Is it really love? Or am I just so tired of looking and waiting for my “knight-in-shining-armor” that I’m settling?

But, crap, what if it’s love and I don’t realize it. Crap, crap, crap, just…merde.

That’s my daily rant.

Look for my words again soon.

-Soleil

Jumping Back to the Love Topic

Back in my “Love: A Seemingly Impossible Quest” post from 2 weeks ago, I mentioned that I met a guy at a bar (one of Kels’ boyfriend’s friends) and that while I found him cute and considerate, I didn’t have a “feeling” for him, nor did I feel we synced well. I also wrote him off as a potential date, let alone boyfriend. However, when Kels told me this past week that he’d been asking her for my number since we’d met, I figured I’d give him a try. Hey, everyone deserves a chance, right? So, we went on a date this week.

It was a regular date, I suppose. We met at the same bar as before, had a drink (mine was non-alcoholic. I’m old enough to drink, I just don’t like the taste of alcohol), and then walked around town a bit. We sat on a bench for awhile and just talked. He tried to kiss me twice, and I just gave him quick pecks. To be honest, I feel that kissing is really intimate, and I like to get to know the person better first, and know how I feel about them before I just go kissing him and giving him false hopes. When he told me he likes to make out and enjoys kissing, I told him how I felt about that and he said it was fine and he could wait.

After our date ended, he walked me back to my car, we exchanged numbers, hugged goodnight, and went our separate ways. He texted me when he got home that he was heading to bed and he’d text me tomorrow. It’s been three days and I haven’t heard back. I guess it’s safe to assume that he didn’t find me interesting enough to want to see again? I’m not particularly disappointed about not getting to date him or anything, but I am curious about why I haven’t heard back from him. Ah, such are the curiosities of my life.

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Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil