Love has many definitions, but sometimes I struggle to find which kind I have and who it’s for. If you type the word “love” into dictionary.com or just look it up the old-fashioned way in a paper dictionary (no problems there), you get a handful of definitions. For example:
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
But when couples say they are “in love” are they describing love as the description of #3 or something closer to #4? Does it start as #3 and grow into #4? Can it be vice versa?
I think all love is different and it grows in many ways. My problem is, I want that special kind of relationship that other loving couples have. But when it comes down to it, I wonder, how serious am I about the person in terms of my affections, or is my desire to be in a relationship the stronger feeling?
I suppose it’s sad to wonder that. Well, I know it is, actually. But, I also guess that a lot of people feel that way, but very few are willing to admit it.
Let’s face it. The human world has almost always pushed people to pair off. It’s the way of nature. It’s the way of survival. It’s the way of life. No one wants to be alone, not deep down, not really, truly alone.
So, in the end, is it that desire to not be alone, to have someone by your side to share your life with, or is it love? Is it both? Why not? It very well could be. It very well could be not. I think it all depends on the people in the relationship. I’ve seen them thrive, I’ve seen them fall.
And I still want it.
I want to fall madly, deeply in love with someone. I want to have that special spark, that connection, with someone I can trust, I can love, I can raise a family with, I can grow old with. I want someone to help me when I have troubles, I want to share support with them. I want to feel needed. I want to feel loved. I have love I want to share. I want someone who understands me and will let me grow to understand them in turn.
That’s a lot to ask for.
The problem is, really, I wonder if I’ve had that all along with this one person. I know how he feels about me, even my parents know how he feels about me. To quote my father: “When we were spending time together over the holiday and he was visiting us at our home, they way he would look at you when you weren’t watching, it was like you were the only one in the room.”
Is it ridiculous to assume that I have had what I’ve been looking for my entire adult life and am only now seeing that truth?
So why is it that I constantly find reasons to tell myself I can’t be with him? When we dated in high school for a month, I ended it because I felt like we could only be friends. But at the time when we started our relationship, I had a crush on someone in my school (we went to separate schools), so did I just never give him the chance?
When high school finished and he went into the military and was transferred to all sorts of bases around the country and world to train, I couldn’t date him, not in a long-distance relationship. Just, no.
So, when he graduated from his military training and was officially stationed at a base, no more than an hour and a half via plane, why not then? I never made enough money for a plane ticket. It would still be long-distance. I am afraid of flying alone!
But, how stupid are those excuses, really? Why do I make them? I know I feel something for him, but I don’t know which definition it falls under. I can’t discern it clearly enough to be sure. But when I think about it, he fits everything I’ve ever wanted:
He makes me laugh. He has since we met back in pre-school, continued to do so as we grew up together, and still does now. I know I can trust him. He understands me. He knows that when I’m writing or working on artwork that I need my space. He doesn’t try to get in my face or constantly vie for my attention like past relationship partners. He gives me my space to work. And, honestly, I see that we could have a future together and have a family and grow old together and be content.
It’s that word, right there that makes me wonder. Is it really love? Or am I just so tired of looking and waiting for my “knight-in-shining-armor” that I’m settling?
But, crap, what if it’s love and I don’t realize it. Crap, crap, crap, just…merde.
That’s my daily rant.
Look for my words again soon.