Tag Archives: Inspiration

Getting To The Point….

Greetings one and all!

Firstly, I would like to openly state that I would love to blame my lack of absence on my university finals (which have passed and graded by now), my work schedule (which is only on weekend), and life in general. But, to be honest, it not for lack of time. Instead, I’d love to blame it on procrastination. Yes, the bunt of every daunting project. It is not that, either.

The reason I have not posted in so long is because, well…I wasn’t really sure what to write about. So, I’ve finally broken down and decided to PLUNGE back into my little “Sunny Place” because the time will never be “just right”, that inspiration I’m waiting for to hit may never come, and I’ve just plain missed writing here. My “Sunny Place” is a haven to me, where I can write how I honestly think and feel without worry of what my family and close friends might think, because (as far as I know) they just aren’t aware of my “Sunny Place” (no matter how many times I’ve told them to check it out). In that respect, I’m glad if they don’t look here, because I like to have this freedom of expression. I can just be me.

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So, hello again to one and all. Please welcome me back to the blog-o-sphere and let us be good friends once again!

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❤ Soleil

 

 

 

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Who am I?

Despite my last post and efforts, I have become addicted to Bollywood movies. Recently, I watched one called Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu and the opening song sort of struck on a chord. View the song here, courtesy of a YouTube upload.

The lyrics follow as:
As are the days, so are the nights, everything looks loose…
Even the sky looks a little less blue…
Life, sometimes,
Is a little full, is sometimes empty,
I know my name, but I don’t know who I am…
I know where my home is, but I don’t know who I am…
Who am I, who…
As are the days, so are the nights,
Everything looks loose…
Even the sky looks a little less blue…
Looks loose…

The lyrics I’ve made bold are the ones I found relatable. I’m not sure why but they really stuck to me, made me contemplate some things about myself.

I feel like, in today’s world, it is easy to get lost, swept up in the fast-pace of things and wrapped up in stuff that would otherwise be unnecessary.

Becoming lost is the easy part.

Finding who you are is the journey.

I do know my name and I do know where my home is, but if you asked me who I was, I would give you the generic response: “I am an art major trying to graduate and someday I’d like to be a Disney artist”, whereas the real, truthful answer is: “I don’t know who I am. I’m still looking.”

I know that I am studying art at university but I often wonder if it is the proper path. When I sit and muse over my life so far, the choices I have made, the studies I have engaged in, I begin to doubt that I have chosen correctly.

And that scares me.

Let’s go over facts: I am twenty-five and still live at home with my parents and siblings. I currently have no proper career that can give me the guarantee or safety of any kind of insurance and I’m studying for a degree that will give me access to a slim array of positions once I do graduate this upcoming Fall semester. The probability that I will land a successful and albeit decent art career are slim to none. Certainly, I will not get something that can offer me the insurance I so desperately need, nor the pay scale to even consider trying to live on my own, let alone survive.

That terrifies me.

It’s a big jump, from scared to terrified, you know, and when these dark and foreboding thoughts do worm their way back up from where I’ve tried to bury them away in the deepest corners of my mind, I feel even more lost than I normally do.

And that makes me stop and think and wonder: “What can I do?”, “What can I accomplish?”

But I have no answers.

It’s practically the same feeling as being stuck, of feeling stagnant and unmoving in my life (which I covered in a previous post here).

To be honest, my life is rather boring. I’m not an exceptionally exciting person. I live in an extremely rural area (as I have mentioned before) where the nearest shopping is at least a half hour drive, and even the options offered are minimal. The more you want, the farther away you have to drive.

I’d rather stay home than go out.

I have two friends within easy travel distance but our schedules keep us apart. My other friends live, spread across the wide world and we can only communicate through messages.

My biggest entertainment is my own wild imagination, where I can live the exciting life I am always dreaming about, and I make no efforts to turn my imagination into reality. That is my failing. And that is my triumph.

I am still learning, still discovering who I am and what makes me, what drives me, what limits me, what makes me soar.

But I am still lost and my journey is still ongoing.

So the big question is put simply, but the answer is seemingly impossible and limitless: “Who am I?”

STUCK

Recently, I read a post by a fellow blogger and their words resonated within my very soul, to the very core of my being. With this post, with those words, I was able to relate and feel and conclude and finally realize that it was the same way I felt. She wrote exactly what I’ve been trying to say myself for months now. Her name is Lindsey but she’s better known on WordPress as MomentMuser and the post I’m talking about is “Becoming”.

I want to quote a bit of it, the pieces that held the truest to me:

“I had thought I’d be further along by now.”

This much is true. To be honest, when I was small, I pictured myself happily married and with children of my own by now, just like my mother (married at 22) and grandmother (married at 20) when they were my age. Yet here I am, 25 turning 26 in March and I’m still not married, nor do I have any children. In fact, I’ve never even had a relationship last pass six months! This realization often makes me ask questions of myself like, “What’s wrong with me?”, “Is there something wrong with me?, “Is there really someone out there for me?”, “Am I going to be alone my whole life?”

But I didn’t want to just be married with a family by now. I also wanted my career by this point, but instead I am still a university student. I wanted to be this great artist, Disney Animator, working on amazing movies and creating characters and stories to be loved by all! Instead, I’m an unmotivated, uninspired slacker.

And this point resonates to the next quote of Lindsey’s post:

“I am not entitled. Surely the world does not owe me the Life I dream of living. I doubt that the world really cares what I do. In its indifference I will slip away.

I am lazy, lazy, lazy.

Today my alarm sounded at 9, at 9:30, at 10. Dozens of 8-minute intervals later, I rose at noon.”

Seriously, this is my life every day. I am actually quite the shackled-companion of those “dozens of 8-minute interval” snoozes. Frighteningly so.

I have absolutely nothing to live for it seems, no real reason to get out of bed in the morning except that it’s past noon and beyond reasonable to be in bed any longer. What kind of life is this really? A poor excuse for one, that is obvious. And I obviously want more, so what do I do about it? To change it? To go on? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don’t try to change. To try new things. To find something to do. I don’t need to. I know what I want to do but I don’t do it. When I try, I am unsatisfied with the results and give up.

To be honest, I feel so STUCK. I have for a while now and I don’t know what to do about it. I am an artist, an author, but I feel so uninspired that I cannot draw or write. When I try to draw it’s nothing how I imagine it. So I give up. When I try to write, it never sounds quite right. It doesn’t flow the way I want it to. The story isn’t going anywhere. So, I stop.

I feel as though I’ve stagnated. That I’ve come to a point in my existence where I feel like I am not moving forward. There is this great uncertainty. I don’t know what to expect, everything is so unfamiliar, so elusive that it is terrifying.

And even though I don’t know what to expect, I know what I want:

“I know what I want. I know it so much that it hurts. My chest feels heavy with it. My mind fears it.”

I want to be a success. Not in the sense that I want to be some famous, well-known person, but I simply want to be able to support myself. To be stable and live. To be inspired and find the thing that I love most in the world and just by doing it I am filled with such joy, such imagination again that I feel as if I will burst from creativity if I do not get it down with paper and ink. I want to express to the world through my art, through my words all that I have learned on the journey called Life. I want to share everything with everyone. I want to learn and keep learning and never stop!

But that’s hard when your own mother tells you that you dream too big. That you can’t accomplish the aspirations you have concocted through years of daydreams no matter how hard you try. To pick something easier, simpler, so that you can’t fall short in the end.

I’m not blaming her. I understand where she’s coming from. She doesn’t want me to fall, to fail, to hit rock bottom and have nothing left to fall back on. I understand the reason but I am stubborn. I ignore her words. I want to dream, but it’s come to the point where I feel like all I have left are my dreams. And that that is all they will ever be: dreams, illusions created by a girl with no drive to actually go anywhere or do anything towards those goals. The day she told me my dreams were too big, was the day I began to doubt myself.

Now, I sit here and I stare at myself in the mirror and I want to cry because all I see is a girl who got lost somewhere along Life’s path and can’t figure out how to find her way again. A girl who is stuck, stagnant in the same place she’s always been and probably always will be. A girl who dreamed for the world from her home in a small rural farm town and began to doubt herself so much that now she is trapped by the very fear and anxiety that she created for herself.

I am lost. I am stuck. I feel like I cannot escape. And I am afraid.

I am afraid that this is all my life is going to be because I’ve dug myself into a hole and built the walls so high I cannot climb back up to see the light of day beyond me. Nothing but darkness and fear and anxiety to keep me company for all my days to come.

And that is daunting. Terrifying. PARALYZING.

Help me, please, because I am stuck and I need to be found again.

-Soleil

A Café Encounter

Right now. Right this very minute! I am sitting at the café inside of a local Barnes & Noble to meet with a children’s book author. Why? She is looking for an illustrator for her two books and was interested in my art and art style after I submitted her a few examples. How cool is that?!

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So, I’ve brought my digital online portfolio, which you can see here on my Crevado account: My Portfolio. It isn’t much, just a few samples of my digital work, but it’s nice to have. And then I’ve also brought a hard-copy portfolio which has some older work in it but showcases my different styles of drawing and what I am capable of and not restricted to. The great thing is, I value being able to draw in more than just one style.

Well, please wish me luck, because she’s coming back over now. =)

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

The Time-Consuming Thing That Is NaNoWriMo!

It’s NaNoWriMo! Let the literary war begin!

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The whole goal of this event is to complete a novel of at least 50,000 words by the end of November. Yes, it is quite crazy to write an entire book in 30 days, but that’s part of the fun!

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So, if I don’t post much this month, I’ll just apologize for that now. Spare time will be spent writing. Extra spare time between the spare time I spend writing will be dedicated to eating and sleeping so I can continue to power through this. Meanwhile, this will be my motivation for the month:

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Haha, a Whovian at hearts no matter what the challenge! Allons-y and Geronimo!

So, look for my words…eventually, haha!

-Soleil

Wholock: Yay for Effort…. What?

I’m tired.

I’m also bad at going to bed early when I’m tired like this and know for a fact that I have to wake up at a decent time the next morning. This being said, I still decided to jump on here and post to you guys. See, I’m not good at this bedtime thing.

I was just sitting here at my desk thinking about how much I like it. I was also thinking about how I want to upload some more work to my DeviantArt account sometime this week. You see, I’ve been slacking on uploading my artwork and that’s bad. I should start giving myself deadlines. What else…? Oh, I’ve started a Doctor Who/Sherlock fanfiction, which I upload to my DA, as well. (If you’d like me to share the link to my DA accout, please let me know.)

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Oh, it’s “Wholock” to be precise…that specific pairing of shows. I don’t know. Apparently it’s a thing and I decided that I liked the idea, so I’m going with it and seeing what I can come up with. Yay for effort! (Haha, see the pun there, well, not a pun, but the rhyme. Instead of “A for effort” it’s “Yay for effort”. Ahem, yes, this is my rant today. Random as always!)

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

Let’s Go To Camp Together!

Earlier today, I admitted to not knowing what to write but having the urge to write. While I really only did get myself to sit down a type a few words (literally maybe three sentences, if that), I’m not sure that I feel satisfied with that effort. For starters, I was out driving around, running an errand and then getting dinner from Taco Bell, when a thunder and lightning storm rolled in suddenly with 70 MPH wind gusts! So, mom and I took shelter at Taco Bell until the storm let up enough for us to drive safely home. After eating, I tried to write on the paper wrappers that had held my soft-shell taco, but it was a wax-type of paper and the pen the employees let me borrow did not write very well on it.

My pen wouldn't work....

My pen wouldn’t work….so here’s my sad face ^^^

I was determined to type what I had written into my Word document when I finally returned home and did so promptly. I also intended to keep going, but then I got sidetracked by the end of Jeopardy, then Wheel of Fortune, then trying to get the WiFi back up and running so I could get online, and then I put on my latest Korean dramedy: “Playful Kiss”. (By the way, I only watched the first two episdoes of “Shut Up & Let’s Go”. Since (Spoiler), they kill off Byung Hee (who is the only interesting character by far) at the end of the second episode. He’s the one who has the orange eyes, remember? Here’s a photo refresher!):

Byung Hee

Anyway, “Playful Kiss” is much better and more comedy than drama. I highly recommend this show! Suffice to say, though, I never did write any more tonight. I’m planning to make a good part of the day of it tomorrow. Hopefully I can keep myself motivated enough to actually do this.

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Now, only a few days ago, my best friend since 6th grade (oh my goodness, we first met back in 2001!), and one of my writing buddies, Kels, introduced me to a website called Camp NaNoWriMo! It’s an interweb-tacular (just made-up this mashed-up word) site that promotes NaNoWriMo all year long, by running “practice” months in April and July for hopeful-NanoWriMo’s to get a feel for what November is all about before the actual National Novel Writing Month comes along!

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This site allows writers from all over the globe to interact and even “share” a cabin together (a cabin can include 11 writers, I think) for the month. It’s basically your own private chat room between you and your cabin-mates so you can not only bounce ideas around, but motivate, and help one another stay on track. Hey, you might even learn some new things about writing…like a more proficient way to outline, or what inspiring music to listen to as you write (I for one am a fan of classical music and movie soundtracks…really, anything orchestral).

Anyway, you can set up your “Writer Profile” and “Writing Projects”, set word count goals and track your progress through the month as you go. It calculates your daily average and what it actually should be for those days you are totallyl being a slacker (I admit to being guilty of this myself), and you can have more than one “Writing Project” going at a time.

While I’ve only just joined myself today, I can already proudly say that I want to recommend this site to any and all fellow writers or aspiring project-takers to try out. Signing up is free and so is the site. Of course, there is the option of donating, which helps the site to operate for free. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that you’re donations can be tax deductable. See this link here from their FAQ section regarding that option: Tax Deductable Option!

Well, if you decide to join me on there, my user name is the same: Soleil Porche …so send me a message and maybe we can make a cabin together and do our best to support and help each other. I think it would be fun! Let’s do our best together!

Look for my words again soon!

Soleil