Tag Archives: Writer’s Block

STUCK

Recently, I read a post by a fellow blogger and their words resonated within my very soul, to the very core of my being. With this post, with those words, I was able to relate and feel and conclude and finally realize that it was the same way I felt. She wrote exactly what I’ve been trying to say myself for months now. Her name is Lindsey but she’s better known on WordPress as MomentMuser and the post I’m talking about is “Becoming”.

I want to quote a bit of it, the pieces that held the truest to me:

“I had thought I’d be further along by now.”

This much is true. To be honest, when I was small, I pictured myself happily married and with children of my own by now, just like my mother (married at 22) and grandmother (married at 20) when they were my age. Yet here I am, 25 turning 26 in March and I’m still not married, nor do I have any children. In fact, I’ve never even had a relationship last pass six months! This realization often makes me ask questions of myself like, “What’s wrong with me?”, “Is there something wrong with me?, “Is there really someone out there for me?”, “Am I going to be alone my whole life?”

But I didn’t want to just be married with a family by now. I also wanted my career by this point, but instead I am still a university student. I wanted to be this great artist, Disney Animator, working on amazing movies and creating characters and stories to be loved by all! Instead, I’m an unmotivated, uninspired slacker.

And this point resonates to the next quote of Lindsey’s post:

“I am not entitled. Surely the world does not owe me the Life I dream of living. I doubt that the world really cares what I do. In its indifference I will slip away.

I am lazy, lazy, lazy.

Today my alarm sounded at 9, at 9:30, at 10. Dozens of 8-minute intervals later, I rose at noon.”

Seriously, this is my life every day. I am actually quite the shackled-companion of those “dozens of 8-minute interval” snoozes. Frighteningly so.

I have absolutely nothing to live for it seems, no real reason to get out of bed in the morning except that it’s past noon and beyond reasonable to be in bed any longer. What kind of life is this really? A poor excuse for one, that is obvious. And I obviously want more, so what do I do about it? To change it? To go on? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don’t try to change. To try new things. To find something to do. I don’t need to. I know what I want to do but I don’t do it. When I try, I am unsatisfied with the results and give up.

To be honest, I feel so STUCK. I have for a while now and I don’t know what to do about it. I am an artist, an author, but I feel so uninspired that I cannot draw or write. When I try to draw it’s nothing how I imagine it. So I give up. When I try to write, it never sounds quite right. It doesn’t flow the way I want it to. The story isn’t going anywhere. So, I stop.

I feel as though I’ve stagnated. That I’ve come to a point in my existence where I feel like I am not moving forward. There is this great uncertainty. I don’t know what to expect, everything is so unfamiliar, so elusive that it is terrifying.

And even though I don’t know what to expect, I know what I want:

“I know what I want. I know it so much that it hurts. My chest feels heavy with it. My mind fears it.”

I want to be a success. Not in the sense that I want to be some famous, well-known person, but I simply want to be able to support myself. To be stable and live. To be inspired and find the thing that I love most in the world and just by doing it I am filled with such joy, such imagination again that I feel as if I will burst from creativity if I do not get it down with paper and ink. I want to express to the world through my art, through my words all that I have learned on the journey called Life. I want to share everything with everyone. I want to learn and keep learning and never stop!

But that’s hard when your own mother tells you that you dream too big. That you can’t accomplish the aspirations you have concocted through years of daydreams no matter how hard you try. To pick something easier, simpler, so that you can’t fall short in the end.

I’m not blaming her. I understand where she’s coming from. She doesn’t want me to fall, to fail, to hit rock bottom and have nothing left to fall back on. I understand the reason but I am stubborn. I ignore her words. I want to dream, but it’s come to the point where I feel like all I have left are my dreams. And that that is all they will ever be: dreams, illusions created by a girl with no drive to actually go anywhere or do anything towards those goals. The day she told me my dreams were too big, was the day I began to doubt myself.

Now, I sit here and I stare at myself in the mirror and I want to cry because all I see is a girl who got lost somewhere along Life’s path and can’t figure out how to find her way again. A girl who is stuck, stagnant in the same place she’s always been and probably always will be. A girl who dreamed for the world from her home in a small rural farm town and began to doubt herself so much that now she is trapped by the very fear and anxiety that she created for herself.

I am lost. I am stuck. I feel like I cannot escape. And I am afraid.

I am afraid that this is all my life is going to be because I’ve dug myself into a hole and built the walls so high I cannot climb back up to see the light of day beyond me. Nothing but darkness and fear and anxiety to keep me company for all my days to come.

And that is daunting. Terrifying. PARALYZING.

Help me, please, because I am stuck and I need to be found again.

-Soleil

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The “NaNoWriMo-Is-Beating-Me” Update

NaNoWriMo has been kicking my butt. While I was able to plow through for the first couple of days, I hit a serious road block early on: I don’t know where I want the story to go.

It should be stated the story I chose to work on for the month was one I had been previously working on but I decided to re-write it because I wasn’t entirely sold on the manuscript I had already written. Unfortunately, this change has caused me to realize that I’m not happy with how the story has gone. It used to be a lot more fun than this and somewhere through all of the words and descriptions, character development and world building, scene transitions and dialogue, I got lost. So, I feel like I’m writing aimlessly which, in turn, feels rather pointless.

deadline approaching

I understand that NaNoWriMo is all about having a complete novel at the “at least 50k” mark but I’m one of those writer’s who would rather spend the time figuring out what I want and how I want it instead of needless writing unnecessary things just to reach a word goal. This is because that means I’ll just have so many thousands of more words to go through and take out when it comes to the final editing process.

What I really need to do is sit down somewhere where I will have no distractions and figure out what I want for this story. How I want it to change from the previous manuscript, why I want it to change from that, and where to start it.

Also, I seriously miss having Microsoft Word. I finally made myself buy a new Macbook Pro because the one I was using was a 1st Generation MB Pro and it wasn’t letting me use programs properly for my homework/schoolwork. Seriously, this Apple Pages application is such a pain!

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That being said, I think that’s enough for tonight. I’m going to post this and continue to sit outside with my parents in front of the fire we have going. It’s funny, because it’s about 47F outside but the fire is keeping us so warm that it’s pretty pleasant. The Christmas music is a nice touch, too, haha!

Look for my words again soon (because NaNoWriMo is ending in 9 days!)

– Soleil

Focus, Focus…Procrastination.

The thing about NaNoWriMo is that I know that I’m supposed to write. The problem is that I keep thinking of ideas for my Wholock fanfic comic instead of for my story I’m trying to write. So, I feel like this every time I sit down to make myself work on my book:

Blarg! Since it’s only the end of the first week, I’m hoping to have a great catch-up day where I am inspired with a bunch of ideas for my book not my comic and do a lot of typing! Because, currently, my ETC (estimated time of completion) on the NaNoWriMo website says I’ll finish my 50,000 word total by December 15th. That’s 15 days after the 30 day deadline!

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

Recapping Before The Road Trip!

So, I’ve been very distracted with “DuckTales” as of late. Really, I’m watching it right now when I should be writing for my practice month of NaNoWriMo. I’m a bad writer, sometimes. Not in the sense that my writing is bad (of course, that’s just my own personal opinion. I like to hope it’s not bad), but that I slack off when I really shouldn’t be. It’s just…sometimes my brain needs a break from the imaginary world I have created and I need to do other things.

Tomorrow, I leave for Florida. It will be a 14 hour drive. I leave with Kels and her brother, Marty. Really, I’m a bit nervous about the long ride because it will be my first long road trip without my parents or a family member (but if you look at our family tree, Kels and Marty are actually related to me and my family by marriage and we’re like 4th cousins, once removed, or something like that). It’s a far stretch, though.

I am very excited, though, that I get to see Jaren! My very best friend! He’s even letting us stay at his apartment, yay! (If you remember, Jaren is the first boy I fell in love with and was mentioned in this post: Love: A Seemingly Impossible Quest). I cannot wait to spend the next four days with him! We’re going to the beach, Downtown Disney, having a BBQ, ah it all sounds so wonderful!

Oh, then my audition at Disney World is Monday. I practiced the 16 bars of “Cockeyed Optimist” that I will be singing singing today with a piano accompaniment. Really, I don’t care if I don’t get the part of Dory for the Finding Nemo: The Musical, but I just really, really want a part! I don’t care if I’m one of the coral actors. Just let me be in this show, please!

Also, I have a new favorite song: Uma Thurman by Fall Out Boy.

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

Let’s Go To Camp Together!

Earlier today, I admitted to not knowing what to write but having the urge to write. While I really only did get myself to sit down a type a few words (literally maybe three sentences, if that), I’m not sure that I feel satisfied with that effort. For starters, I was out driving around, running an errand and then getting dinner from Taco Bell, when a thunder and lightning storm rolled in suddenly with 70 MPH wind gusts! So, mom and I took shelter at Taco Bell until the storm let up enough for us to drive safely home. After eating, I tried to write on the paper wrappers that had held my soft-shell taco, but it was a wax-type of paper and the pen the employees let me borrow did not write very well on it.

My pen wouldn't work....

My pen wouldn’t work….so here’s my sad face ^^^

I was determined to type what I had written into my Word document when I finally returned home and did so promptly. I also intended to keep going, but then I got sidetracked by the end of Jeopardy, then Wheel of Fortune, then trying to get the WiFi back up and running so I could get online, and then I put on my latest Korean dramedy: “Playful Kiss”. (By the way, I only watched the first two episdoes of “Shut Up & Let’s Go”. Since (Spoiler), they kill off Byung Hee (who is the only interesting character by far) at the end of the second episode. He’s the one who has the orange eyes, remember? Here’s a photo refresher!):

Byung Hee

Anyway, “Playful Kiss” is much better and more comedy than drama. I highly recommend this show! Suffice to say, though, I never did write any more tonight. I’m planning to make a good part of the day of it tomorrow. Hopefully I can keep myself motivated enough to actually do this.

no motivation

Now, only a few days ago, my best friend since 6th grade (oh my goodness, we first met back in 2001!), and one of my writing buddies, Kels, introduced me to a website called Camp NaNoWriMo! It’s an interweb-tacular (just made-up this mashed-up word) site that promotes NaNoWriMo all year long, by running “practice” months in April and July for hopeful-NanoWriMo’s to get a feel for what November is all about before the actual National Novel Writing Month comes along!

Camp-Participant-2015-Twitter-Profile

This site allows writers from all over the globe to interact and even “share” a cabin together (a cabin can include 11 writers, I think) for the month. It’s basically your own private chat room between you and your cabin-mates so you can not only bounce ideas around, but motivate, and help one another stay on track. Hey, you might even learn some new things about writing…like a more proficient way to outline, or what inspiring music to listen to as you write (I for one am a fan of classical music and movie soundtracks…really, anything orchestral).

Anyway, you can set up your “Writer Profile” and “Writing Projects”, set word count goals and track your progress through the month as you go. It calculates your daily average and what it actually should be for those days you are totallyl being a slacker (I admit to being guilty of this myself), and you can have more than one “Writing Project” going at a time.

While I’ve only just joined myself today, I can already proudly say that I want to recommend this site to any and all fellow writers or aspiring project-takers to try out. Signing up is free and so is the site. Of course, there is the option of donating, which helps the site to operate for free. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that you’re donations can be tax deductable. See this link here from their FAQ section regarding that option: Tax Deductable Option!

Well, if you decide to join me on there, my user name is the same: Soleil Porche …so send me a message and maybe we can make a cabin together and do our best to support and help each other. I think it would be fun! Let’s do our best together!

Look for my words again soon!

Soleil

What To Do?

Today, I’m not sure what to write about. Isn’t that awful? It’s a terrible feeling to want to write but you don’t know what to write exactly. It’s like a sort of irritation or an itch you just can’t reach in the middle of your back. It keeps your fingers and hands restless and your mind churning through different ideas. Do you know the feeling, too?

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

When Writing is a Problem….

You know that feeling, the one where you really want to write, but then you have no idea what to write? Yeah, I’ve had that feeling for quite a while now. Not for here, in my blog, but in a book I’ve been trying to write. To be honest, I started it back in 2005. It has evolved quite a bit from that first draft. Ah…the good old days, when a story could be simple and easy. But, as time went on, I managed to improve my grammar, my punctuation, my way of wording things to find my own writing style. Now, I’m on draft I-Don’t-Know-What-Number-Anymore and I feel stuck. Really, it’s because a part of me wonders just how much of the story is mine anymore. Throughout the past 10 years I have shared my drafts with two of my very closest friends to edit for me once each draft was complete. With both saying things like “Develop these characters more. They’re too flat.” to “These plot threads here aren’t connected anywhere.” and “You need to focus on your climax and falling actions. They’re weak.” and so on, I wonder if I’ve “over-edited” and now am stuck wallowing in despair over how to continue.

So, while I desparately want to work on my latest draft (and please, oh please, call it the “Final Draft” (ah, what an alluring and evasive title….)), I am struggling to figure out what to type. Since I never had a problem just sitting down and writing what came to mind when I first started 10 years ago, I find that now, this small problem is very annoying. It’s like I’m on permanent writer’s block and I can’t quite figure out how to break the dam to get things flowing again. So, in the end, I type a few words and sentences here and there when I really feel like I have to do something to feel productive about it, but then I wonder, “Hey, is this really the way I want this part to go, or am I just typing drabble here?” I’ve become so fed up that I have re-started from scratch and only have a few pages of a Chapter One in progress. But, still, I feel like something’s lacking. I think it’s inspiration. I’m not sure where to find it. She’s an elusive muse and she’s very good at skirting away from me just when I think I’ve found her. Ah….aish. I hope to meet her one day soon.

Please look for my words again soon.

-Soleil