Tag Archives: Yardwork

Insecurity: A Daunting Companion

I am secretly insecure. About a lot of things. Sure, I’m the chipper, go-to gal amongst all of my friends and family, too. I’m always ready to lend a helping hand, whether it be running your errands for you, to babysitting your kid, to helping out with homework or housework or yardwork. Optimism is my middle name, mostly. I always have a ready smile and I always have something to laugh about.

But deep down, WAY deep down the darkness known as fear weaves me in a tighter web. I think this is the source my anxiety feeds on. This internal fear that I hide away so well from so many people that they don’t even know I have this problem until someone I’m close to (like my mother, for instance) tells them.

What am I insecure about? Many things. I’ve touched on them briefly in previous posts. Like how I’m 25, have only ever had one “serious” relationship (which only lasted 6 months), fear that I’ll never find “the one”, and I’ll die old and alone. That I’m still a student at university and already owe up to 16,000$+ in student loan debt and I still have, at least, 3 more semesters to study through in order to get my degree. How I currently have no “actual” job, but rather a variety of odd-end side jobs that don’t offer 401K’s, or retirement plans, or insurance and health plans. I’m not on a payroll!

I am a 25 year old university student working odd jobs that don’t offer steady payroll or benefits, making at least $1.50 more than New Jersey’s current minimum wage per hour, have 6 student loans, 2 credit card bills, and 1 car payment (plus $300 for insurance every 2.5 months), a cell phone bill, and only $40 in my savings account.

I’m afraid I’ll never be financially secure and that I’ll have to live with my parents for the rest of my life. It’s such a frightening idea, not because I don’t like them (because I do) but because I know they can’t afford to support me now, let alone for the rest of their lives! Besides, guys tend to shy away when I say I still live with my parents due to my financial situation.

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I’m afraid I won’t find a good job after college. (I mean, who wants to hire an art major nowadays? I think I picked a crappy major). I’m afraid that I’ll only find mediocre jobs that don’t pay well and don’t offer the benefits necessary to live in today’s world. I’m afraid that I’ll never make enough money to pay off my debts. I’m afraid that I’ll never make enough to get a house, to get married, to start a family. I can’t even try to travel because that’s too expensive!!!

Every day I hear on the news about America’s economy and how people are struggling. How the middle class is shrinking and the lower class is growing in size. How it costs a middle-class family over $105,000 to support a family of 4 per year! How one 19 year old student in North Jersey already owes $60,000+ in student debt and still has 2 more years of college to go. That’s ridiculous!

I know my situation could be worse so for the fact that it is not so horrible is a blessing and a slight relief, but that fear still grips me. It’s always there, a dim, nibbling presence in my mind and it’s scary!

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So now you know a bit more about me. And what I’m afraid of. I feel like we’ve bonded. Thanks for listening….

Look for my words again soon.

-Soleil

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You’re Basic, Average Update, Plus a Ramen Bar!

Hi Everyone!

I’ve been a bit lazy lately. This whole “not having a job thing” is really boring. To be honest, I really have enjoyed the time off and I’ve accomplished a lot of things around the house and caught up on most of my reading list in the short while that I’ve been unemployed. However, it is boring to not have a set schedule every day, or at least a schedule of some sort, so I’ve started applying for jobs in my area that I will be able to work while attending my college classes. Ah…yes…college will be starting back up in a mere month. Yay!

No, really, I mean yay! I love school. When I was in high school, I never wanted to leave. I just enjoy learning. Of course, since graduating and attending college classes for the past few years, I have realized that I don’t need to be in school to learn. I can do it on my own! So, yay for knowledge, too!

Anyway, back to the job thing. So far, I’ve applied for errand running jobs (I’m currently employed by an old schoolmate’s step mother to drive her around once a week when she needs to run errands), babysitting/nannying, pet care, and being a server or hostess at a new restaurant opening soon by our local mall.

Other than that, my days as of late have included going up on the roof and sweeping out the gutters (one brother has a problem with heights and the other has a busy work/college summer class schedule, so I, being the only girl but the oldest, decided to do it myself. I like going up on the roof. When I was little, I would find any excuse to go up there whenever my dad, uncles, and grandfather were working on it, like bringing them water or tools, etc.. …I’m digressing again, back to my main point), pulling weeds in our front garden, cleaning my room, making trips to Goodwill to drop off donations, and reading, writing, and watching “Ducktales” still online. =P

Oh, although today I did go to a Ramen Bar in Philadelphia! Yum! It’s called Hiro Ramen and I ordered “Hiro’s Inch of Heaven” which is a Pork Soy tonkotsu (ramen soup) with egg, nori, and scallions!

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I hope you’re all doing well. Let me know how your summer holidays are going!

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

A Brilliant Idea, Maybe?

I’m tired, but not tired. It’s such a weird feeling, you know? I had this brilliant idea earlier to stay up all night so that I can fix my sleep schedule. Stay up all night and then go to bed early the next day. So, that’s what I am in the process of accomplishing. However, while I felt tired for a bit, I don’t feel sleepy. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I kept myself busy, watching “Nana” on Netflix, folding two loads of laundry and putting it away, sorting through my clothes and setting aside pieces I want to donate or give away, organized the bathroom drawer, and swept the kitchen floor. Now, it’s finally starting to become lighter outside. The sun will rise soon.

The candle I lit a few hours ago is stil burning. It’s scented to smell like chocolae peanut butter. It’s not my choice of candle, but since it’s all we have until its done and we buy a new one, I have to burn it as often as possible to get rid of it. It’s a really sweet scent and it sort of gives me a headache after awhile. I like sweet things, but it’s just really too sweet of a scent for a candle, I think.

I’m not sure what I’ll do today aside from going to a doctor appointment in the afternoon. Recently, we gave away our above-ground pool and deck to our neighbors, since they have younger kids who will enjoy it, and now we have a round patch of sand in a section of our yard. Maybe I’ll rake it out a bit so it’s spread out and then we can lay down a layer of topsoil and grass seed to get a nice green patch growing there again. Also, some of the bushes could use a trim. Honeysuckle seems especially evasive this year.

Friday is the big day, the day I drive to Florida with Kels. We’re going down together to audition for Disney’s “Finding Nemo: The Musical”. It’s a stage-show that performs at Disney’s Animal Kingdom. They’re looking to cast a new Dory and Nemo, and a few other roles. I’m auditioning for the part of Dory. I have to prepare a 16-bar song to sing. I’ve chosen “Cock-Eyed Optimist” from “South Pacific” because I already know the words. I was in “South Pacific” back in 2011. It’s a cute play.

Well, look for my words again soon.

-Soleil

Time With Pepere, Life, and Top Favorite Authors!

Firstly, I am super excited that I do not have to wake up at 4 AM for the whole of next week, yay!

Secondly, I spent my day out with Pepere (my grandfather). We had a lovely lunch together at the local diner, then we went to Home Depot together with my Mom (his daughter). Mom wandered off to look at storage, and Pepere and I stuck together, finding the things he needed. Since he wants to redo his roof this summer, we gathered together roofing nails, and roofing caulk. We also got common nails, 5 new saw blades, and a pack of hook blades. I like shopping with Pepere. Actually, I like spending any time with Pepere. We talk a lot and usually have some pretty deep conversations about religion and life. It’s really nice. I like when he talks to me about it, and I’m glad that it’s stuff we can talk about together. My brothers don’t spend much time with him, so I think I’m the only one out of his 6 grandchildren (I’m also the oldest out of these 6) that he converses with this like. I feel honored.

Tomorrow, I want to take the pile of bricks to the dump that I have collected. Since I demolished our outdoor brick fireplace with a sledgehammer earlier in the week, I haven’t had time to do so, yet. So, I’ll do that in the morning. Then, I want to spend the rest of my day painting and tidying up my room. I may take some more clothes and things to Goodwill, also. If not tomorrow, then Sunday. I have recently decided that I have too many things and have been trying to slim down on my posessions. My room is just too small to have so much stuff in it. Plus, I don’t wear a lot of the clothes I’ve been giving away, anyway, and I’m sure that other people could use it more.

Jae is very far ahead of me in Naruto. About 20 episodes, or so. I tease him every time I see him watching an episode. I tell him to watch something else so that I can catch up. He just laughs and keeps watching. What a considerate brother. Aish….

Have you ever read any fractured fairy tales? I believe that I once mentioned before that Fractured Fairtytales are one of my favorite types of sub-genre. I do know that I said I am currently reading E.D. Baker’s “The Bravest Princess” which is part of the “Wide-Awake Princess” series. Aside from E.D. Baker, I also enjoy reading books by Gail Carson Levine, Cornelia Funke (my favorite book by her is “The Thief Lord”, but she’s more famous for her “Inkheart” series), JK Rowling (Harry Potter, obviously), JRR Tolkien, TA Barron (his Merlin’s “Lost Years” series is outstanding!), and Brian Jacques (I grew up on his “Redwall” series!!! Ah…brave, little Mathias — “I am that is”!)! There are plenty more authors, too, but these seven authors are my top favorites! They inspire me when I write and I hope to be as great as them some day.

I think this is it for now. I want to read some more before bed. …I feel like this is turning into a reading and writing blog, haha! No worries, it will continue to be random and chipper, I think.

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil

Early to Bed, Early to Rise

Good morning one and all! Look, I did it! I got up early. My schedule may be on its way to being fixed. Haha! I am very proud of myself. I went to bed at 8 PM last night so I could get up at 4 AM today. Babysitting for the week has started, as I’m in the living room of our family friend’s house. It’s very cozy and I lke the couch. It’s soft. The kind that you can sort of sink into and get comfortable. I like it.

Outside, rain is pattering against the windows and thunder keeps rumbling lowly. Thunderstorms are expected off and on all day today, with no stop to the rain. Ah, but that’s been said before these past few weeks and then it doesn’t happen. I don’t like rainy day after rainy day until it becomes almost a week of constant rain, but I do like the occasional summer thunderstorm and rainy day. It’s refreshing.

I have an hour and a half to myself before I have to wake the first two kids up. The youngest, I have to wake up in 2 hours, though since he shares a room with his older brother, he may get up at the same time as him. Anyway, since I have some quiet time (and brought my laptop along), I figured I’d type up a nice morning post. So, hi!

Yesterday, I did not make rice porridge. I didn’t have the time. Well, I did, but I filled that with other tasks. I thinned out my Netflix list in the morning, took a sledgehammer to an old brick fireplace in our backyard (demolishing half of it. Jae finished the other half. We’ll try to take the bricks to the dump later this afternoon…weather depending and if the truck feels like starting. It’s been having battery issues lately, apparently, and is going into the shop tomorrow.), and then went to the Apple Store (45 minutes away) with my parents to have my Mac checked out. It’s a first generation MacBook Pro and the Genius at the Genius Bar was very impressed on the smoothness and speed that my Mac still runs with. I felt pretty proud when he said that. They fixed the minor problem I was having by shutting off the infared eye (The Apple TV remote my Dad bought for our TV was also controlling the sound and volume and playing and stopping and muting of my iTunes on my computer and it was driving me crazy!), removing several programs I could not get rid of myself, and removed some malware. He also ran a diagnositics test (I asked him if that were possible, since I was already there) and my Mac is in perfect health! Yay!

I’ll be leaving here around 9 AM this morning to go back home. The youngest catches his bus at about 8:45 AM. I’m not quite sure what my plans for today will be. I wanted to paint, but depending on the rain, I might not be able to open the windows to keep the room nice and airy while I paint.

Oh, also, I always find it a bit unsettling to drive so early in the morning. Since I live in a very rural area (where plots of land that don’t have a house on them are either acres upon acres of trees or open farmland), there is never anyone else on the road. While this may be safer (maybe), I find it creepy. It’s like I’m the only one. It’s a weird feeling. Luckily, I only live about 10 minutes from where I have to babysit. But, still, that 10 minutes feels awfully long at 4 AM on the dark county roads….

Look for my words again soon!

-Soleil